‘She has gone forever.’ ‘She has died.’ I told all who-so-ever asked. I was grossly mistaken. I have never been able to detach myself from you. Do you know yesterday I went through your cards and letters! I couldn’t sleep later. Kept on smoking, changing channels and staring at the wall–this is what I could do in the wee hours.
I met a girl–not so beautiful by others’ standards (I apologise to the Almighty for saying this)–but she had hands and feet like yours. She is not a usual girl any more. Since then I feel you are still alive and with me. You are inside me probably running in my veins. I cannot erode you from myself despite my all efforts. So many times, unwillingly or willingly, I tried to brush aside your thoughts, but couldn’t. Yesterday I opened the drawer where the ‘treasure’ of your belongings is lying. I thought of burning everything. I started with separating the ‘useless’ from the ‘useful’–ultimately ending with keeping all the things in the original place where they used to be–if you could recall those were to be kept like that till we would have been wed-locked. Those are still there still waiting for you! Why? I did not have the courage to throw any of letters and cards.
Hey! You remember the picture for which we had had bickering over–you were adamant on getting the picture back and I wanted to keep that with me. I lied when I told you that I couldn’t find that. It is still there in the same tissue paper–enwrapped in the same folds. I couldn’t even change those folds yesterday.
Am I still loyal to you? Not surely! I am no more the same man. This world has changed me because there was a room for this in me. You won’t agree with this, I know! You are a believer of Macbethean theory. This evil was inherent in me; so I am this man now–a smoker, non-conformist, rigid, occasional boozer and… What not! I am still alone though a very happy-go-lucky man. Can people around me know what kind of man I am actually? No! They cannot because I have not shown them the real person. Does any body know? No probably! You claimed to know me the most! Probably yes! That is why you left me, came back to go away–giving me more pains.
I have a problem! I cannot love any body else the way I loved you. I am saying this because after you left, I tried twice, but failed miserably. Both of them needed and deserved me more, but I could not love them. I was always looking for you in them. These were pre-destined to doom and it happened so. Ultimately, they have all the rights in the world to blame for everything. I am an opportunist, a betrayer–every negative adjective that might fall in your dictionary too–for them. What should I do now? Curse myself! Blame you! Or throw the onus of all my doings on the ‘pre-birth written destiny’. I do not know. Can you decide? Probably you don’t have time to think on these lines. You are too busy with your family to think about the past even. Problem lies with me! I am carrying the backlog with me all the time. I am still living in the past and planning my future on the remnants, which are fast decaying across the time-board–always gaining time ahead of me. It is a ‘smog’ blurring my vision and thoughts, but you have never been invisible to me. God! Can you be eroded out of me? I am helpless. All my courage has shattered and I am living no more a life beyond you. I realise it everyday. –Your Noor
Definitely life isn’t the same without you. I am lost many a time thinking about my real placement in my ambience. Isn’t everything gone into disarray? It has become almost impossible to place myself in the right perspective. May be I am a desperate under-achiever or I have not been treated by life the way I wanted. Surely, I have not gone to the extent where I should have got the real objectives achieved; ultimately drawing a horrible scenario out it.
– As communicated by SKB