I was losing her bit by bit, and she was moving away too slowly to realise the impending farewell to love.
We had had long drives along the canal, and sometimes on empty roads of the city. She always looked out constantly. Whenever, I asked her the reason for this, she had the usual rhetoric “Nothing! I just enjoy looking at the buildings, trees and empty places.” However, I never asked her to look ‘inside’; and she never did even after we got married. She still looks out of the window even if she is leading a life within the four walls of the house. Probably, she finds solutions to problems in looking out!
Let me reminisce! When we went out for the first time, I did notice her watching the world outside, but I did not say anything to her because I wanted to allow her to be comfortable. Then for the second or third time, it went on unabated. I digested it too. Just imagine! You are with a lady and you want her to talk and respond to you, but she simply ignores you despite the fact she is with you and supposed to be looking at you. Definitely, you are miserable.
I thought of a solution–nothing different to what usually occurs to men–I started caressing her. She moved a bit, then remain the same after ‘every act’. Life and driving went on like this….
She kept on looking out and I remained the driver. Not a big issue at all! I never started a discussion because it would have been a trivial issue to others though extremely important to me. I ignored it considering it a ‘usual childhood proclivity’. I remained attached to her and we got married. After marriage, except during the honeymoon days, I was thankful to God because she never criticised my driving and eyeing at other girls for she was never looking at me.
She started working sans my ‘acceptance’, as permission was never a subject between us. I agreed with her on “not wasting away” her English Literature master degree.
It was just after a few months, we had had serious discussions, which just fell short of quarrels. I could not figure out any reason to the bickering. During those troublesome days, once she mentioned about my objection to her looking out of the window of car. “Why did you do so when you knew I did not like it?” I blurted out. “That is my way of life!” she replied to inform me about the impending situations. After this, I was lost like a death. Pleasures and pains made no difference to me. I knew I was heading to a “black hole”. I was losing her bit by bit, and she was moving away too slowly to realise the impending farewell to love.
One day she came back home pretty unusually. Tired, but contented! Dragging her feet, though confident in her moves, she was that day. “Suno! (She never called me by my name) I want to talk to you.” She was saying this after so many days. I immediately thought that probably she wanted to say sorry for the previous days’ bickerings. I was alive again without imparting an impression of it. I remained reclining on the sofa. “Go ahead,” I said without looking at her. “No! I want your full attention. I want you to look into my eyes and then listen,” she retorted though pretty softly that day. “Aamer! I want you to listen to me.” I knew she meant business; so I got my eyes fixed on her face. She was satisfied with this.
It took her quite a long before she could say anything. “I think we cannot live together any longer.” She spelt out a million time-practised sentence. Now I did not have the courage to say anything. Why this hell fallen over me? I did not deserve this. God! Take my breaths away! I prayed, but to no avail. “Is that the final?” I had only this to say after mustering up a lot of courage. She just nodded in yes instead of uttering even a single word. Neither I stopped her nor she stayed.
Later, I came to know about her boss. They got married after a few months. Then I came know about her “way of life”. She found out a solution (read solace) in the outside world. Better look outside when it is stuffy inside.