Tuesday, March 27

Re-opening the coffin after cremation

It is like reopening a coffin that has recently been through to the cremation. I didn’t have any inclination to write about it until I saw a note on a blog.

Trust me; I really don’t know how to write the obituary of your own feelings. It is all shattered into puzzling pieces. This was the only puzzle in my life I was failed to solve and eventually withdrew assuming myself as a loser. (No complaints meant). For a reader it may be something totally insignificant or one may find it nonsense stuff by a crap writer but it once had some importance in my life. I feel quite discouraged to call it an obsession.

Let me admit that I choose to have an emotional roller-coaster a few weeks ago. Being far away from family and friends, to be honest, it was extremely painful since I had no assistance available during that emotional trauma.

Earlier I was very scared or I was too coward to face it, may be. Never in my life I felt myself so helpless and I didn’t like this aspect of my personality. I tried my best to make things work, repeated entreaties were carted out but to no avail. This span of beseeching and imploring lasted for one whole year-daily. Make a note, for 365 days continuously (few days redundant when my calls or messages were never answered). None of my efforts could bring respite to the state of fray.

I bore each and every consequence of my verbalisations during that effortful but fruitless year of miseries. Some circumstantially riddling episodes provided sufficient fuel to flames and this relation not only turned sore yet it got irretrievably awkward despite my efforts to keep it velvety and unruffled.

It requires a great deal of patience to see your hopes sinking in front of you. It is indeed nerve wrecking if you have a human heart, I suppose. I really suffered. I don’t want to invite sympathies by elaborating my dreary days or the depths of my miseries. Having enough of the fiasco and excruciatingly monotonous avoidance, I myself decided to sink the boat, which was carrying my own dreams, hopes and optimism.

Jal bhi chukay perwanay, ho bhi chuki ruswai

Ab khaak uranay ko baitahy hain tamashai

(Moth have been reduced to ashes, mortified beyond resurrection
With onlookers left to rake over the remnants)

1 comment:

diogenes said...

I blog here now.